“Do you trust Me?” I heard God rush these words into my spirit. I was taken by surprise, thinking I had already overcome the “trusting God” issue. But as His words hit me, they were like a light shining on my innermost being, revealing the rugged terrain of my heart. I looked inward with The Lord and saw the truth of my current state: I want to trust, but I am very afraid.
I have been on a journey of recovery from the past season. There were so many question marks that I brought with me into this time of tender rest with The Lord. He closed out the previous assignment for our family and brought us to a place of green pastures, a time to be still and rest, quietly feeding on His faithfulness. And although I know He will always provide that place of rest that we abide in as we walk together, this time is a segway into what He has next. To be honest, I have been very happy to NOT discuss what is next. I didn’t even want to ask… and I thought I was being really holy and “trusting” by not bringing it up. As I began to draw near to God, I saw that in reality I have been avoiding the conversation out of fear. And then, it all came out.
I felt this very visceral feeling in my physical being: the same exact as if I were actually standing on the edge of a cliff with no rescue in sight; the chasm so deep I could not see the bottom. Yet, He wanted to talk with me about what was next… He was asking me to take a step forward. As you can imagine, this question terrified me. Can’t I set up camp here? There’s nowhere to stand if I go any closer to the edge. I knew in that moment He was asking me to be courageous.
“Have courage!” I told myself, engaging with this picture in my minds eye. I closed my fists, flexed my muscles, put my head down and began to coach myself into taking a step forward. But with as much strength and courage as I could muster, it wasn’t quite enough. The presence of real fear was still so strong and palpable, and in my spirit I knew God was asking me to take a step forward with Him, not in my own strength. But how?
This was an ongoing question in my heart that I allowed to settle there for a couple of days. I knew I wanted the journey with Him but I couldn’t get there on my own. I was in worship at church and as I shut in with Heavenly Father, I didn’t bring this question to the table just yet. I just began to focus on His face and His total worthiness to be praised. His character. His faithfulness. His name. And as I reveled in who He is… something amazing happened: I was set free.
I felt the lingering fear completely leave me. I was surrounded by Him, and was filled beyond courage to utter delight! “Life with You is so amazing, so exhilarating, so much fun!” I thought as I stepped back into the reality of Him. What was I thinking? “Forgive me for living in so much fear. Again, I didn’t see You for who You really are.” And then He reminded me that the opposite of fear is not just courage in our own strength. His word says in 1 John 4:18 that Perfect love casts out fear. And, since He IS LOVE, all I did was look at HIM and the fear was cast out completely. It wasn’t something I could have overcome in my own strength.
The chasm on the cliff I stood at was now filled with refreshing, clear water that carried me, surrounded me, and ushered me in the direction I am called to go. This water is His love. Diving in to this love makes it so natural to say “YES! Let’s do it!” to what He may be calling us into. The Holy Spirit may even toss you a pool float and a drink! My prayer for you today is to see where He is inviting you to know who He is in the midst of your unknowns. Allow Him to fill the deep fears with His love today and have a great ride with your Heavenly Father!